Tringbago Humour: Jokes & Stories
Some Trinidad & Tobago jokes and humorous stories
If you have managed to wade through even a small fraction of this site, you will now either be bored to tears or salivating in anticipation of your holiday on Tobago.
So, here is a little light relief to put the smile back on your face. I welcome stories and jokes contributed by readers. I simply ask that they are totally relevant to Tobago and appropriate for publication on this website.
The Taylor tab above will take you to four short amusing stories by Malcolm Taylor, the owner of Tosca Villa on the Sanctuary Villa Resort. His stories, which have been published in various papers and magazines including The Daily Telegraph, The Lady and Tobago Today, start with a hilarious story of how they came to buy Tosca Villa.
This first story typifies the wonderful Tobagonian outlook on life. Thanks to reader Jane H from England who contributed the story in our forum. It was this story that led to the choice of name of Paul Tallet's weekly weather updates in our Weather forum.
"Sitting on the beach near the Grafton Beach hotel one day, it suddenly started to rain - as it can. We moved under one of the beach umbrellas with all our bit and pieces to sit it out. While we were there, one of the beach vendors that we knew walked past, and asked "What you doing there man?" We replied that we were sheltering from the rain. He laughed at us and said, "Hey man - dis not rain, dis liquid sunshine." Enough said!"
Trini walks into a bar in Miami, orders three Caribs and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a beer goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Trini replies, "Well, you see, I have two bredders. One in Toronto, the other in London, and I here in Miami. When we all left home, we promised that we go drink this way to remember the days when we drank in St James. So I drinks one for each ah meh bredders and one for meh self." The bartender admits that this is a nice Trini custom, and leaves it there.
The Trini becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three Caribs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two Caribs. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don''t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Trini looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no. Everyone''s fine," He explains, "It''s just that I joined Seven Days Adventists Church and I personally had to stop drinking.
Ah True True Trickidadian
Jonesy buy a donkey from Ramsingh, a old farmer pardner, for $300. Ramsingh agree to deliver the donkey the next day.
Next day, Ramsingh drive up and said, "Sorry Jonesy but I have some bad news. The donkey dead.''
"Well gie me back meh money,'' said Jonesy.
"Worse news boy, I went and spen it already.''
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey.''
"Wha yuh go do wid him?'' asked Ramsingh.
"You doh worry, I go raffle him.''
"You cyar raffle a dead donkey. Yuh mad or what!''
"Who say so...you makin joke. Watch me. I ent tellin nobody he dead,'' said Jonesy.
A month later Ramsingh bounce up Jonesy in the market.
"Jonesy, wha happen with yuh dead donkey boy?''
Jonesy replied, "Ah raffle him off nuh. Ah sell 500 tickets at five dollars and ah rake in $2,500.''
"Nobody eh make noise?''
"Only de fella who win. So ah gie him back he five dollars!''
How To Call The Police In Trinidad
(an allegedly true story)
Andre Lashley of Diego Martin, Trinidad was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
Andre opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "is someone in your house?" and he told them no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
Andre said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Lashleys residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to Andre: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" Andre said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
A Simple Friend vs A Real Friend vs A Trini Friend
A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A TRINI FRIEND CAUSE DE DAMN TEARS IN DE FUS PLACE
A simple friend doesn't know your parent's first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A TRINI FRIEND KNOW WHERE DEY LIVIN', WHAT DEY COOKIN' ON WHAT DAY, AND WILL SHOW UP AT THEIR DOORSTEPS
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and clean
A TRINI FRIEND COME LATE, BRING A SET OF PEOPLE AND THEN TALK ABOUT YOU WHEN ALL DE FOOD AND BOOZE DONE
A simple friend hates it when you call after they have gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A TRINI FRIEND SCREENIN' DE CALL AND DOH ANSWER WHEN IS YOU
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A TRINI FRIEND WILL LISTEN TO YOUR PROBLEMS AND CRY WID YOU, EVEN OFFER TO HELP YOU, THEN TELL EVERYBODY AND ADD A LITTLE MORE JUICE TO THE STORY
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history,
A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A TRINI FRIEND WILL BLACKMAIL YOU AND STILL TELL EVERYBODY
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
OH GOSH...A TRINI FRIEND OPEN YUH FRIDGE, CLEAN IT OUT, COMPLAIN YUH AIN'T HAVE ENOUGH, THEN TELL DE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD DEY MOUTH WAS DRY
Local Call to Heaven
A European decided to write a book about famous religious structures around the world. So, he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to London, thinking that he would work his way across the world.
On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "£10,000 per call". The European, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The European thanked him and went along his way.
Next stop was Paris. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw a similar golden telephone with a similar sign beneath it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and so asked a passing nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for 100,000 Francs he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the European.
He the travelled throughout Europe, Africa, Asia, Australasia and North and Central America. In every church, synagogue, mosque and temple he saw the same golden telephone with a sign showing the equivalent of £10,000 per call" beneath it.
The European, upon leaving the U.S., saw a sign for Tobago and decided to see if Tobagonians had the same phone. He arrived in Scarborough, and again, saw the same golden telephone, but this time the sign beneath read "25 cents per call."
The European was surprised, so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many religious structures. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every country the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Tobago now son, it's a local call".
A Beer is a Carib
After the Great Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Carib sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered...
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Carib?" and the Carib president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
Carnival Do's & Don'ts
- DO NOT....Attempt to "throw waist" on ah young girl wit' ah 6' 6" ignorant boyfren'...funeral home close up for de season.! Girls dis applies to you too, dem fellars woman cuffin real hard now ah days.
- DO NOT....Drink an' drive... alcohol is ah expensive t'ing- plus yuh could spill it on yuh nice clothes.
- DO NOT....Feel dat de red-woman who smile an' jump wit' you in de ban' Tuesday, go even want tuh SMELL yuh on Ash Wednesday...ax she husband!
- DO NOT....Stan' up in front of dem speakers tuh "get de vibes". is not ah walkman an' I eh shoutin' at nobody after Carnival.!
- DO NOT....Buy corn soup from ah Rastaman name "Dutty".
- DO NOT....Go to ah fete wit' shoes dat have strap... unless yuh like walkin' barefoot(dis is not ah formal occasion..USE yuh sense l'il bit, nah..!
- DO NOT....Wear white on J'ouvert morning.
- DO NOT....Feel you is de bes' swimmer in Maracas Bay... we eh have time tuh look for yuh till after Ash Wednesday! (AHEM!)
- DO NOT....Argue wit' ah drunk coconut vendor because "it eh have no jelly"... de man obviously know how tuh use ah cutlass! (yuh could spell 'CHOP' an' 'PLANASS'??)
- DO NOT....Wear ah size "Small" costume, if yuh nickname is "T'ick T'ing
Retiring to Tobago
A hard-nosed businessman was enjoying a holiday on the island of Tobago.
He was overwhelmed by the beauty of the island but everywhere he went he felt a sense of frustration looking at the fishermen sitting on the beach tending to their nets and watching the world go by ... he thought that, maybe, these guys could do better for themselves.
One day, having enjoyed an undisclosed number of Rum Punches, he approached one of the fishermen (sitting there tending his nets ... as they do) and asked him if there was anything he could do to help him improve his business.
The fisherman replied that he simply sailed off each day, caught some fish and then sold his catch and went home to his family ... that was the routine, apart from sitting there on the beach some days and tending to his nets.
The businessman suggested that if the fisherman could invest a little more in his business, he could buy more nets and increase the size of his catch and consequently make each sailing trip a tad more profitable.
"And what would the benefit be to me?" enquired the fisherman.
The business man explained that such a venture would increase the fisherman's income and improve the lifestyle for his family ... although the increased profits could be used to further enhance the business.
The fisherman started to take an interest ... "and in what way do you suggest that I could 'enhance' my business, Mr Businessman?"
"Well, the profits could be used to buy more boats and increase the sizes of your catches ... earn more money ... more profits ... you could get others to work for you ... they would earn money for you and you would get richer and richer"
The fisherman gave this some thought ... "and then what?"
The businessman replied, "well, if you are successful and able to inspire your fellows to work for you, who knows, you could buy other fishing businesses and develop your business even further ... you could monopolise the Tobago fishing industry ... gain influences with the Government ... develop enough money to invest in other businesses and trades ... you could become a very important man".
"Ok", said the fisherman, "where is all this leading to?"
The businessman paused for a moment and said, "You don't get it do you? ... You could invest overseas in other fishing businesses. Eventually you could have the world's largest fleet of ships with the latest technology ... sailing the seas ... you would make millions, billions, have regular dinners with kings, queens, Rupert Murdoch, whoever you want ... you will make all the money you need to retire and have a comfortable life ..."
"And what would I do when I retire?" enquired the fisherman.
The business man pondered this for a moment ... "well ... erm ... you could retire here and sit on the beach and watch the world go by couldn't you ....?
A True Trini To D Bone
I cya continue our relationship. De distance between us just too great. I hav tuh admit dat ah horn yuh twice, since yuh gorn, and it eh fair tuh eeder ah we. Ah sorry. Yuh could return de picture ah me dat ah did send yuh?
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, nen-nens, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Gwendolyn, Leroy included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his pardners. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Ah rell sorry, buh ah cya remember yuh nuh. Please take yuh picture from de pile, and den send de rest back tuh me.