Light Relief from Holiday Research - T&T Humour

[Steve Wooler]

Holiday research should be fun, but can easily leave one with a headache, more confused and undecided than when you started. This topic offers a little light relief from the serious work of researching your next holiday.

Readers are welcome to contribute to the topic – but please restrict all posts to humour related to T&T, within reasonable bounds of decency and which are not likely to offend any of our readers.

[Steve Wooler]

A True Trini To D Bone

A Trini US Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his Trini girlfriend back in Brooklyn. It read as follows:

Dear Leroy,
I cya continue our relationship. De distance between us just too great. I hav tuh admit dat ah horn yuh twice, since yuh gorn, and it eh fair tuh eeder ah we. Ah sorry. Yuh could return de picture ah me dat ah did send yuh?

Love,
Gwendolyn

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, nen-nens, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Gwendolyn, Leroy included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his pardners. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Gwendolyn,
Ah rell sorry, buh ah cya remember yuh nuh. Please take yuh picture from de pile, and den send de rest back tuh me.
Take Care,
Leroy

[Steve Wooler]

THIS IS THE COMPLETE "TRINI ALPHABET" - ENJOY!!

"A"

Ah -Substitute for "I"
Allyuh -All of you people. A group
Ax (Ask). -To ask a question
Aye-yah-yie -An _expression of anticipation or pain, etc.

"B"

Bacchanal -Scandal, heavy quarreling, big party, confusion
Back chat -Insolent response, especially from a child to an adult
Bad eye(cut-eye) -A look of anger, especially when looking from the corner of the eye
Ba-John -A bully or a really tough customer
Bamsee -The rear end, what you sit on
Bam-se Lambe -Rather attractive bamsee
Bol'face -A pushy person, unreasonably demanding
Broughtupsy -Showing that a person was properly brought up, decorum
Buh wait nah -But wait a minute, now hold on/it

"C"

Callaloo -A thick soup made from dasheen leaves, ochroes, coconut milk, seasoned to taste, invariably includes crab
Calypso -A musical and lyrical comment on any subject, usually composed for, but not limited to, the Carnival season
Calypsonian One who sings calypsoes
Cheups(Steups) -A noise made by sucking your teeth
Chinkee -Very tiny portions of anything
Chupid -Stupid
Chupidee -A foolish person
Coki-eye -Cross-eyed
Commesse -Confusion associoated with arguments, gossip and slander
Cuff -Hitting someone or something with a clenched fist
Cyah -Can't

"D"

Da is you? -Is that you?
Dan-dan -Any sharp looking outfit
Dat good for yuh -Serves you right
Dat -That
Doh -Don't
Dotish -Silly, stupid, foolish and dumb
Dougla -Mixture of East Indians and African parentage
Drevait(dree-vay) -Wayward person who likes to "knock about"

"E"

Eh -What did you say?
Eh-eh -No, no way, oh no
Eh-heh -Oh really? I understand. Yes
En'less -Plenty, endless
Ent? -Is that not so? That's true, isn't it?

"F"

Fall out -To stop speaking with someone or to terminate a friendship
Faddah -Father
Fed up -The state of being bored
Fete -A party, loud music, lots to eat and drink, dancing to wee hours of the morning
Flim -Film
Founkie(foong-key) -Foul-smelling, stink odour
Fuh true/troot? -Yes that is true. Is that really so?

"G"

Goin'orf -Someone who appears to be going out of their mind, acting strangely
Gun talk -Fighting words, to threaten verbally
Gyul - Girl

"H"

Harden -Disobedient
Hototo(hotoetoe) -A very large amount of anything

"I"

I eh payin' tax fuh mih mout' -I could say anything I want
In ting -To be involved in current activity
Is so? -Is that so?

"J"

Jeez-an-ages -Used for any reason where an outburst is appropriate
Jook -To stab at anything
Jumbie -Spirit, ghost
Jus'now -In a little while
Jus'so? -Just like that?
Jus'so -Out of the blue, totally unexpected

"K"

Ketch -Catch
Klim -Any brand of powdered milk

"L"

Lef dat -Leave that
Leh -Let, let's
Leh go -Let go
Leh we -Let us
Lick dong -To accidentally hit someone or something
Licks -A beating, physical punishment
Like t'ing -To be somewhat mischievous
Lil'bit -In small meaningless portions
Lime -When a small group of people engage in a sometimes pre-arranged activity
Long eye -A person who is envious of the possessions of others
Look nuh! -An _expression of annoyance

"M"
Maco -A person who minds other people's business for the purpose of gossip.
Macocious -A person having the trait of a maco
Maga -Very thin, skinny
Mamaguy -To make fun of, to ridicule
Mama Yo! -_Expression denoting shock and surprise
Matter Fix -Everything is well organized
Mih han' slip -An _expression used when too much of an ingredient is used
Mooma -Mother
Mout'er -A boaster
Much up -To pamper, to butter up

"N"

Nah -No
Nastiness -An _expression of disgust applied to a good-for-nothing person
Never see come see -Someone who has recently been exposed to something new and who overdoes it to ridiculous proportions
Ning ning -Tired eyes
Now fuh now -Instantly
Nowherian -A person who does not have any fixed place of abode

"O"

Obzokee -Awkward in appearance, anything bent or twisted out of shape
Oh geed! -An _expression used when an offensive smell arises
OH gosh!-
Oh gorm man!-
Oh shimps man!- These are all expressions denoting shock, surprise indignation and admiration
Ol' talk -Idle chatter, social chit-chat
One set ah -A lot of anything
Own-way -Stubborn person

"P"

Pallet -Frozen lolly
Papa yo! -Exclamation of surprise
Pesh -Money
Pissin' tail -A person of no class or importance
Planasse -To hit someone continuously with the flat part of a cutlass
Playin' social -Someone who pretends to be of a higher social strata than they are
Pong -Pound
Po-po -Very small child, baby
Prim-prim -Disgustingly proper and formal

"Q"

Quenk -An irritating person
Qualey -Withered, dried up

"R"

Raff -To grab suddenly
Ragadang -Broken down
Ram-cram -Packed to capacity
Rumfle -Ruffled or wrinkled

"S"

Saga boy/girl -Flashy dresser, dandy
Shades -Sunglasses
Shif' yuh carcass -Move over, get going
Shub -Shove, move or cast aside
Skinnin' yuh teet' -Grinning
Skin up yuh nose -To turn up one's nose at anything
Sometimeish -Moody
Strims -Shrimps
Sweetie -Any confectionary
Swell up yuh face -To look angry, to pout

"T"

Tabanca -The forlorn feeling one gets when a love affair is over
Tanty -Aunt
Tight -Intoxicated, drunk, stoned
T'ing -Thing
To besides -Besides which
Too-tool-bay -A confused state,in a daze, also head over heels in love
Tot tots -Female breasts

"U"

Umpteen -Plenty of anything

"V"

Vampin' -An offensive smell
Vaps -To suddenly behave excitedly or in a strange manner

"W"

Wajang -A roudy, uncouth person
Warap -A very weak mixture
Well yes! -An _expression of disbelief
Whappen? -What's the matter with you?
Wha-happenin' dey? -What's happening
Whey -Where
Whey yuh say? -What did you say?

"Y"

Yampee -Mucus, found in the corner of the eye
You an' all? -You too?
You so -People like you
Yuh faddah head -An _expression of annoyance
Yuh faddah is a glassmaker? -You are blocking my view.
Yuh look fuh dat -It's your own fault
Yuh makin' joke! -You can't be serious!

"Z"

Zug-up -A rough and uneven cutting of anything

If more than 3 of these words are unfamiliar to you, YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT A TRUE TOBAGONIAN!!!!!!

[Steve Wooler]

TRANSLATIONS FROM ENGLISH (USA) TO TOBAGONIAN

USA: About Hors d'heurves or a piece of finger food, we say...
TnT: Whuddy ass is dis? Whey de blasted food?

USA: Here Kitty kitty.. get down from the roof.
TnT: Ey yuh ole dutty stinkin cyat, come off de bleddy gyalvanize before ah drop two stone in yuh ass!

USA: Aren't those pants a bit short?
TnT: Yuh expekin ah flood or wha?

USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.
TnT: Buh wha trouble is dis? Boy stop flingin meh grip so.

USA: I wish you would quit lying.
TnT: Stop de blinkin lyin, yuh is ah ole liyad.

USA: Lift the hood of the car for me John.
TnT: Yute-man, fly de bonnet nuh!

USA: I love you girl.
TnT: Ah rell check fuh yuh, yuh know.

USA: Oh the poor little boy is handicap.
TnT: Look at de lil invalid...poor ting.

USA: It's time for a perm.
TnT: Gyul , yuh head need straightenin bad. Yuh doh see all de gren-gren showin.

USA: Yuck! This is nasty!
TnT: Eee geeeeed!!! Dis ting tastin rell stink, boy!

USA: I have a stomach ache.
TnT: Ah ketch a belly wuk.

USA: He has no manners.
TnT: He doh have no broughtupcy.

USA: Commenting on someone's perspiration odor...
TnT: Yuh doesn't bade?

USA: poached (boiled) chicken
TnT: Dat meat eh start tuh cook yet.

USA: Josh is suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder.
TnT: Dat chile too dam harden.

USA: He has a touch of Dyslexia.
TnT: He duncee fuh so.

USA: I need a bottle of Peptobismal...my stomach hurts.
TnT: Ah need ah purge bad...ah cork up.

USA: It's been a long time since I've seen you girl.
TnT: AA! You still alive gyul?

USA: Lord, we have lost electricity again.
TnT: Jeezanages, current gorn again oui (wee).

USA: This meal is not too bad.
TnT: Wha doh kill does fatten and wha doh fatten does purge.

USA: Where did you buy that awful Bracelet Cindy.
TnT: Is weh yuh buy dat big ole koskel lookin bangle chile?

USA: Oh my, your feet are so ashy.
TnT: How yuh foot and dem look like yuh was kickin flour so...yuh couldna rub lil coconut oil on yuh foot?

[Steve Wooler]

A Simple Friend vs A Real Friend vs A Trini Friend

A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A TRINI FRIEND CAUSE DE DAMN TEARS IN DE FUS PLACE

A simple friend doesn't know your parent's first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A TRINI FRIEND KNOW WHERE DEY LIVIN', WHAT DEY COOKIN' ON WHAT DAY, AND WILL SHOW UP AT THEIR DOORSTEPS

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and clean
A TRINI FRIEND COME LATE, BRING A SET OF PEOPLE AND THEN TALK ABOUT YOU WHEN ALL DE FOOD AND BOOZE DONE

A simple friend hates it when you call after they have gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A TRINI FRIEND SCREENIN' DE CALL AND DOH ANSWER WHEN IS YOU

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A TRINI FRIEND WILL LISTEN TO YOUR PROBLEMS AND CRY WID YOU, EVEN OFFER TO HELP YOU, THEN TELL EVERYBODY AND ADD A LITTLE MORE JUICE TO THE STORY

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history,
A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A TRINI FRIEND WILL BLACKMAIL YOU AND STILL TELL EVERYBODY

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
OH GOSH...A TRINI FRIEND OPEN YUH FRIDGE, CLEAN IT OUT, COMPLAIN YUH AIN'T HAVE ENOUGH, THEN TELL DE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD DEY MOUTH WAS DRY

[Steve Wooler]

A European decided to write a book about famous religious structures around the world. So, he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to London, thinking that he would work his way across the world.

On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "£10,000 per call". The European, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The European thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was Paris. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw a similar golden telephone with a similar sign beneath it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and so asked a passing nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for 100,000 Francs he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the European.

He the travelled throughout Europe, Africa, Asia, Australasia and North and Central America. In every church, synagogue, mosque and temple he saw the same golden telephone with a sign showing the equivalent of £10,000 per call" beneath it.

The European, upon leaving the U.S., saw a sign for Tobago and decided to see if Tobagonians had the same phone. He arrived in Scarborough, and again, saw the same golden telephone, but this time the sign beneath read "25 cents per call."

The European was surprised, so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many religious structures. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every country the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Tobago now son, it's a local call".

[Carla C]

Hollywood, Trinbago Style
here are the local versions of some poular movies

I Know What You Did Last Dry Season
Four Prayers and a Puja
Men in Brown
Bawl & Bawl 2
There's Something about Primatee
How to Kill a Corbeau(mocking bird)
Panorama (Titanic)
The Truth about Pothounds and Pitbulls
Republic Day
Trinidadian Werewolf in Guyana
Biptee, the Soucouyant Slayer
Rumble in the Beetham
Lethal Cutlass 1, 2, 3 & 4
Meet Raj Kumar
Street Pipers
Rubbing Wood, Men in Speedos
Big Stone (The Rock)
Shanty Town of Angels
Quiero Ali's Doubles
Driving Ma Lambee
Pointless
Nightmare on Frederick Street
The Manicou King
Saving Ryan's Privates
Seven Years in Toco
Ramesh and Drupatee (Romeo & Juliet)
Puff (Gone With the Wind)
My Father the Draincleaner
Home Alone 2 - Lost in Mayaro
Basdeo's Advocate
Fried Green Baigan
One Flew Over the Corbeau's Nest
Chadee's List
The PNM Strikes Back
The Silence of the Goats
The Untouched-Doubles (Untouchables)
Breakfast at Hosein's
Twelve Corbeaux
Maxispotting
Escape from Guerra Island
Bachac

[Carla C]

A Beer is a Carib

After the Great Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Carib sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered...
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Carib?" and the Carib president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[Carla C]

Yuh know yuh is a Trinbagonian if...


*You refer to all powdered cleaning agents as VIM.
*You regularly use the word "cupboard" to refer to storage space built into your home.

*You distinguish between "cocoa-tea" "green tea" and "bush-tea".
*You call hard candy "sweeties".
*You refer to all salt crackers as "Crix".
*You recognize the names Dave Elcock and Rennie B.
*You know the meaning of the word "obzuckie".

*You point with your lips
...and you give directions with your hands... even if it's in another state
(yuh jus go up de road and when yuh see...)
*You go to parties for the food
...and the word free never quite had the same meaning.

*You hate to throw empty containers away cause they might come in handy for pepper sauce
...and if you live in the states you probably have more pepper and seasoning than you can use in your lifetime because people insist that "dey doh have dat in de cold".
*Your recipe for making orange juice is plenty water, plenty sugar, plenty ice and only 2 orange
...and "ah pak ah red kool-aid tuh stretch it..."
*You say "boy" at the beginning of a sentence and "man" at the end of it
...and the words "yes we" doesn't refer to any people.
*You hate to wait in long lines, a habit you adopted from the days of pushing to get into "pit" to see a movie.
*You say "giving sweet-eye" to mean "winking".
*You always turn around when someone says "Psssssssst"
...except for when you make out the person first and you're duckin them.

*You say "Soooo long?!" instead of "Yes, I'm done" when somebody asked you if you finished the job already
...even if you don't even know what job that person is talking about.
*You have "knick knacks" all over your home
...and a glass cabinet or a space saver to put them in.
*You hang a rosary on your car's rearview mirror
...even if you're not Catholic.
*You have aunts and uncles named "Tantie" and "Sonny"
...and it's on their birth certificate too!
*You put ketchup and peppersauce on your pizza.
-Anchovies? Yuh losin it or what?
*You make a drink and ice cream with peanut butter but you never put it on bread with jelly
...but you might put it on your dixie biscuits

*You think eating salted cod fish and fried bread is a great morning meal.
*You dip bread in your morning coffee/tea
...and you drink it from an enamel cup.
*Your cupboards are full of canned corned beef, pepper sauce and red beans and baked beans
...and a dry coconut for the pelau.
*You think steak is a waste of good meat. You rather cut it up and stew it with some potatoes instead
...or curry it and make roti.

*You use your finger to measure the water when cooking rice.
*You bring home food from a party.
*The word "storm" has nothing to do with the weather.
*You hate the saying "Today is a beautiful day" from someone who don't know where you came from.
*"What goin on these days?" and "I jus dey" mean "Hello, how are you?" and I'm fine" respectively.
*You think your rum and Carib beer are the best in the world and you hate it when nobody heard of them
...and you'll probably have some in your cabinet at home...wherever you may live.

*Drinking wine is too sissy
...wine is for fruits.
*You still say "Father Christmas" and "Old Years' night"
...and "dis August holidays" actually start in July.
*You show disappointment by sucking on your teeth (steupsing)
...and you can conjugate "ah steupse" by age four (three if yuh smart)

*You still call a soda a "sweet drink" and an avocado, a "zaboca".
and you go to the shoprite clerk and ask them "whe allyuh have de breeze?" meaning "where is the laundry detergent?".
*You wash the "wares" after having dinner.
*When someone pays you a compliment, you say "Don mamaguy meh".
*When someone sympathises with you, you comment "Yuh think it easy?".

*You refer to all sweet coloured juice as "Kool-Aid"..
*You call a quarter a "schilling" when this really means 24 cents.
*You know that using "blue" makes white clothes whiter.
*Just because something is called a "bake" you don't assume that it indicates the way it was cooked.
*You know about straightening, pressing, S-curls and Gherri curls regardless of your ethnic background.

*You have cancelled plans because of rain even when you're going to be indoors
...Rain is also a legitimate reason to be late for a rendez-vous... or to miss work.
*All vaccinations are called injections.
*You have been to at least one party where you have seen the sun rise.
*You know someone named after either:

flora:- Flora, Fern, Rose, Lily, Petal, Holly (B.) or
a colour:- Blackie, Blue, Pinky, Violet, Hazel or
maybe even a car:- Cressida, Nissan.

*You know of at least one person who wakes up at 4am to LISTEN to cricket from Australia / New Zealand on the RADIO.

*You would choose a "FETE" over anything of relative or utmost importance, even if it leads to unemployment.
AND YOU KNOW YOU KNOW YOU ARE TRINBAGONIAN IF YOU CAN GET ON BAD AND FETE!!!

[Carla C]

CARNIVAL DONTS

1.. DO NOT....Attempt to "throw waist" on ah young girl wit' ah 6' 6" ignorant boyfren'...funeral home close up for de season.! Girls dis applies to you too, dem fellars woman cuffin real hard now ah days.

2.. DO NOT....Drink an' drive... alcohol is ah expensive t'ing- plus yuh could spill it on yuh nice clothes.

3.. DO NOT....Feel dat de red-woman who smile an' jump wit' you in de ban' Tuesday, go even want tuh SMELL yuh on Ash Wednesday...ax she husband!

4.. DO NOT....Stan' up in front of dem speakers tuh "get de vibes". is not ah walkman an' I eh shoutin' at nobody after Carnival.!

5.. DO NOT....Buy corn soup from ah Rastaman name "Dutty".

6.. DO NOT....Go to ah fete wit' shoes dat have strap... unless yuh like walkin' barefoot(dis is not ah formal occasion..USE yuh sense l'il bit, nah..!

7.. DO NOT....Wear white on J'ouvert morning.

8.. DO NOT....Feel you is de bes' swimmer in Maracas Bay... we eh have time tuh look for yuh till after Ash Wednesday! (AHEM!)

9.. DO NOT....Argue wit' ah drunk coconut vendor because "it eh have no jelly"... de man obviously know how tuh use ah cutlass! (yuh could spell 'CHOP' an' 'PLANASS'??) >

10.. DO NOT....Wear ah size "Small" costume, if yuh nickname is "T'ick T'ing

[Paul Tallet]

A hard-nosed businessman was enjoying a holiday on the island of Tobago.

He was overwhelmed by the beauty of the island but everywhere he went he felt a sense of frustration looking at the fishermen sitting on the beach tending to their nets and watching the world go by ... he thought that, maybe, these guys could do better for themselves.

One day, having enjoyed an undisclosed number of Rum Punches, he approached one of the fishermen (sitting there tending his nets ... as they do) and asked him if there was anything he could do to help him improve his business.

The fisherman replied that he simply sailed off each day, caught some fish and then sold his catch and went home to his family ... that was the routine, apart from sitting there on the beach some days and tending to his nets.

The businessman suggested that if the fisherman could invest a little more in his business, he could buy more nets and increase the size of his catch and consequently make each sailing trip a tad more profitable.

"And what would the benefit be to me?" enquired the fisherman.

The business man explained that such a venture would increase the fisherman's income and improve the lifestyle for his family ... although the increased profits could be used to further enhance the business.

The fisherman started to take an interest ... "and in what way do you suggest that I could 'enhance' my business, Mr Businessman?"

"Well, the profits could be used to buy more boats and increase the sizes of your catches ... earn more money ... more profits ... you could get others to work for you ... they would earn money for you and you would get richer and richer"

The fisherman gave this some thought ... "and then what?"

The businessman replied, "well, if you are successful and able to inspire your fellows to work for you, who knows, you could buy other fishing businesses and develop your business even further ... you could monopolise the Tobago fishing industry ... gain influences with the Government ... develop enough money to invest in other businesses and trades ... you could become a very important man".

"Ok", said the fisherman, "where is all this leading to?"

The businessman paused for a moment and said, "You don't get it do you? ... You could invest overseas in other fishing businesses. Eventually you could have the world's largest fleet of ships with the latest technology ... sailing the seas ... you would make millions, billions, have regular dinners with kings, queens, Rupert Murdoch, whoever you want ... you will make all the money you need to retire and have a comfortable life ..."

"And what would I do when I retire?" enquired the fisherman.

The business man pondered this for a moment ... "well ... erm ... you could retire here and sit on the beach and watch the world go by couldn't you ....?

[Paul Makin]

"Biptee, the Soucouyant Slayer"

paul

[Sam Deeks]

"And what would I do when I retire?" enquired the fisherman.

The business man pondered this for a moment ... "well ... erm ... you could retire here and sit on the beach and watch the world go by couldn't you ....?

I like that Paul. Puts this idea of ambition into a different perspective. But you know, most of the younger Trinis I ever knew just wanted to move up to Hengland or Mee-ami, or T'ronno to get into the rat race as fast as possible. And buy fancy cars (with big pipes and blue lights underneath) and ship em back to Trinidad so they could look big compared to their friends. *sigh*

We romanticise the Tobago life sometimes *too* much.. But ah like yuh story anyway.