Have a waffle with Carol

[SandraK]

Carol
Sunday early evening so all must be calm. Sure bathroom will look stunning, it's just the horrendous process - keep your chin up. Things could be worse as in noone nicked the bath or basin ! xx

[Carol Townsend]

Fortunately the 'chief builder' is also a neighbour, and is keeping all the new stuff safely tucked away in his shed.

They're back today. More tea.

I popped round to my elderly neighbours to warn them about all the forthcoming banging and thumping, only for them to warn me in turn that today they will be producing their own banging and thumping as they're having central heating installed!

I pity the rest of the road...

[Tony G]

Good to see that we are all supporting our local tradesmen in these difficult times. Last Friday we had the carpet fitter lay a new stair carpet. Before he left, and as if this was a bonus, he presented us with two 'spare' pieces each about a metre square. What bl**dy use are they? They ended up at the dump along with the old carpet and underlay.

[Andy K]

Tony,

i have two Caterpillar Mechanics fixing an engine in my boat today. When they are ready to close back
the floor boards over the engine room, you can send me your carpet man

[Carol Townsend]

Very useful having caterpillars as mechanics I would say. Think of the multi- tasking they could do with all those legs.

Sorry.

[Bill B]

Andy,

Have them spin some silk with their extra legs while working on your engine and then you can weave your own carpet

Bill

[Andy K]

Carol, Bill,

i wish they had all those legs like caterpillars, that could speed up the job significantly

But no, they only work for CATERPILLAR, you remember the yellow tractors and excavators ? That brand ...
When i start my engines, it sounds a bit as if two such excavators work in the marina, which makes my neighbours always hope that i may leave soon ... especially at 6am on a sunday, going fishing

[SandraK]

Andy
You have not quite grasped our sense of humour I feel !!!!

Carol
Update on bathroom required - we are all waiting. The idea of you going next door to shower when they are installing heating is a concept I am trying to get my head around. Assume you are all showering in the garden - Happy days !

[Carol Townsend]

All is going to plan with the rebuild of the bathroom, which is worrying in itself....We now have a bath and handbasin up and running!

The builders are good blokes and a lot of fun, even if they consume lakes of tea and mountains of biscuits. They address each other as "Horace", "Boris" or "Doris", according to their mood.

My neighbours, who are in their eighties, have decided to spend the week in a hotel rather than cope with all the upheaval involved in putting in the central heating. They're only two miles away but I asked them to send me a postcard.

What with the noise coming from my house and theirs, our little part of Surrey is a fun place to live at the moment.

[Bill B]

Greetings All,

Leaving tomorrow AM for our trip to Virginia Beach. One of the things we will be doing while there is touring Jamestown, which was the first English settlement in the New World. Ancient history for us and closer to 'current evnts' for you blokes

Carol, I agree that it's a little scary when the builders are this far along on a project and there have been no major complications. Perhaps you will be able to report soon that all went according to plan. If so, you might want to ride your good luck streak and buy some lottery tickets

Bill

[David Watkins]

Hi all,
Bill I had to contradict your statement concerning Jamestown as the first British settlement in N America,it was the first successful settlement.The first settlement was "the Lost Colony" of Roanoke Island.
David

[Tony G]

Our man David has a brain the size of a planet. I would definitely want him on my team in any pub quiz.
Check this out.
http://colonial-america.suite101.com/ar ... of_roanoke
Fascinating stuff.

[David Watkins]

[SandraK]

David
So that is why we never see you - Stephen Fry in disguise.

[Carol Townsend]

[Bill B]

Greetings again,

Back from vacation - we had a great time but it feels good to be home.

David, I stand corrected. I knew that the Lost Colony was earlier but wasn't clear in my post. Jamestown is considered the birthplace of the United States. According to an archeologist, who conducted a tour we took of the original Fort James, when the Queen (not of the Waffle but the real HRH) visited in 2007 for the 400th anniversary she seemed to be unimpressed with this fact until it was pointed out that it also was the beginning of the British Empire. At that point her interest picked up measurably

Actual excavation work of what they are about 99% positive was the first well (dating to 1609) was in progress while we toured. The young lady working in the pit uncoverd an old coin and pipestem while we were watching - quite interesting and really brings history right to you.

Noe, how goes the project?

Tony, which planet? Number eight?

Bill

[Carol Townsend]

All done bar the floor! I'll regale you with all the glorious details later....Oooh it's BOOTIFUL!

[Carol Townsend]

It is done! The bathroom is done! Here we go boys and girls:


The Great British Builder

It had taken three years to decide what to do with our bathroom, but we eventually decided to strip it down to the brickwork, and rebuild the whole thing.

It had a delightful nineteen- seventies pampas-coloured suite, but with a white toilet, plain bile-coloured chipped and crumbling wall tiles; pale green floral vinyl on the floor, a lumpy ceiling and a wonky door frame from when the house had been shaken up after the Luftwaffe had carelessly let slip a bomb in the field opposite the house during World War Two. Or so I was told, before you think I am old enough to remember it.

I will admit to having been a little anxious about the forthcoming Big Build, as the last work done on our house took place three years ago when we had new windows fitted. The work that should have taken seven days took six weeks, and the two fitters and I cultivated a deep, passionate and abiding loathing for one another.

The bathroom builders, Tony and Rob, were one of the greatest double-acts of modern times and I spent three hilarious weeks with them ensconced in my bathroom.

On Day One they arrived and greeted me in the time-honoured tradition with, “Is the kettle on then love?” I had anticipated this, and had popped over to India to strip bare an entire tea plantation to avoid the embarrassment of being deficient. I also hired a cow—which ate all of my lawn—a ton of sugar, and a factory-full of chocolate digestive biscuits.

A mug of tea and plateful of digestive biscuits later they stomped up the stairs and began creating a cacophony of banging noises along with tons of dust as they tore the bathroom apart, while I cowered downstairs, wincing at every crash and thud.

“‘Ere! Watch out there ‘Orace!”

Horace? I thought their names were Tony and Rob.

“Nah, ‘salright ‘Orace.”

Eh? What’s all this “Horace” business?

“Over ter you then George.”

“Okay then Doris.”

Doris?

It was all too much, I had to challenge them. “What are your names?” I asked them.

“Oh ‘salright love. We always call ourselves ‘Orace, or ‘Ector, anyfin really. Cor! Like a desert it is up ‘ere love.”

“Would you like a cup of tea?”

“I wouldn’t say no, would you ‘Orace?”

“Cor yeah. I wouldn’t mind a cuppa an’ all please love.”

“Biscuit?”

“If you can spare us one love.”

The days passed amid banging, thumping, crashing and cries of:

“Ow! Careful ‘Orace! Yer nearly had me ‘and orf there!”

“Sorry Maurice.”

“Easy nah. Don’t drop it Fred. “

“’Sokay George.”

“Aarrgh! Careful ‘Orace”.

“Wot yer doin’ ‘Ector?”

This was interspersed with odd comments such as:

“Look at THAT!”

“Cor!”

And, rather creepily: “Mmmmm!”

The most alarming were the cries of “Wot yer done nah? No! Not like that yer plonker!”

“’ORACE!”….. CRASH!

“Er, are you two okay up there?”

“Fine love. Ow’s that kettle doin’ then?”

And once, I heard them whispering, “Let’s wind Carol up.”

“Pardon? I can hear you down here you know.”

“Nuffin’ to worry about sweet. Er, our cups are empty, and we haven’t seen a biscuit today.”

As time went on we became good pals. We would begin the day by leaning against the wall, or sitting in the garden, tea in hand, putting the world to rights, and they would regale me with Tales from the Building Trade.

They had nicknames for all their colleagues in the trade: “Del Boy”, “Goat Boy”, “Dog Lips”, “Andy Pandy”, and “Badger Breath.” I didn’t dare ask…

The bathroom was stripped back to the brickwork, and the old suite and all the debris were taken outside to the front garden. Within twenty-four hours the bath and handbasin had vanished. Gremlins? Pixies? The Little People? Fairies? No matter, they were gone, and no longer our problem. But how did “they” know? This is a quiet road, with little traffic, or so I thought. We’re all being observed by someone, somewhere, you know…

Horace and Horace ensured that the toilet was put in place first, but warned us that we would be without a “barf" and handbasin for a few days, so we had to keep on very good terms with various neighbours in order to have our ablutions at their houses. We drew up a rota system, taking each neighbour in turn, and it was a common sight to see us trotting up and down the road clutching towels and soap. We went to Number Five one day, Number Ninety-Eight another, then Number Seventy-Nine…

One of the highlights of the whole shenanigans was that the Horace brothers revealed that they had hidden talents as graffiti artists. Every day new scrawls appeared on the fresh plaster: a drawing of a Humpty Dumpty-type character called “Mr Wibbly Wobbly”, numerous drawings of snails, which was their “schtick”; "where's our tea?"and various silly faces. Then on the wall where the mirror was going to be placed was a face with “Morning beautiful “above it. I though it was intended for me at first, till I saw Tony’s name in brackets (or parenthethith, whichever term you prefer to useth.) I just had to join in the fun, so wrote: “Wot, no barf?” and “Tea £2.50, biscuits 50 pence each”, and “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”

One day they brought in their own biscuits: “Chocolate Hob Nobs”, which are quite expensive I have to say. Obviously they were being paid too much. They went home, leaving the packet of biscuits with a note scrawled on the wall: “Yes, we’ve counted them!” What a nerve! I emptied the lot and left the packet with a note: “Oh no, we’ve got mice!” Yes, I did give them back, but only after I’d eaten one…

The final tile was put on the wall, the shower installed, the flooring laid.

“You’re goin’ to miss us, aren’t yer?” said Horace. The other Horace grinned.

Well yes I do rather. It’s certainly quiet without them. They did an excellent job and it all went very smoothly, which is a cause for concern in itself. Nothing went wrong, which is going against the laws of Nature surely…

[Paul Tallet]

I could hardly contain my excitement reading that ... so refreshing.

Regards

[Carol Townsend]

Thanks Paul!