Some Humour

Sharon E · Post by **Sharon E** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 1:13 am

A blonde went to a Tobago Helicopters insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owners agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

They took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, they watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away in the Bon Accord Lagoon. They ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When they asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan..."

Lol no wonder poor Tony is bald with a blonde business partner too.

Sharon E · Post by **Sharon E** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 1:28 am

Cant link these in with Tobago but I think these are hilarious they were first reported to the CAA in 1989 from the RAF when I worked there, since then they have been acclaimed to Qantus because I think it makes them feel safer as they are the safest airline in the world (and grip sheet that they report on does not exist it the planes log all faults are specified on), but these quotes are all from mechanic logs from the UK RAF over a period of time, maybe to look like we have a professional RAF unit. 1. Is the pilots report of a malfunction, 2 is the engineers report upon inspection.

1. Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
2. Almost replaced left inside main tire.

1. Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
2. Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

1. Something loose in cockpit.
2. Something tightened in cockpit.

1. Dead bugs on windshield.
2. Live bugs on back-order.

1. Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 2000 feet per minute descent.
2. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

1. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
2. Evidence removed.

1. DME volume unbelievably loud.
2. DME volume set to more believable level.

1. Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
2. That's what they're there for.

1. IFF inoperative.
2. IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

1. Suspected crack in windshield.
2. Suspect you're right.

1. Number 2 engine missing.
2. Engine found on right wing after brief search.

1. Aircraft handles funny.
2. Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

1. Target radar hums.
2. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

1. Mouse in cockpit.
2. Cat installed.

1. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
2. Took hammer away from midget.

Paul Tallet · Post by **Paul Tallet** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 1:39 am

... and the Blonde's Adventures continue ...

The Blonde was still depressed.

Reports of her presence in Tobago were being reported in the Tobago News and word was spreading in the offices of the Trinidad Express.

The latest news story concerned a group of tourists that were taking a rainforest tour along the Gilpin Trail when they came across the Blonde hanging from a large Almond Tree with a rope tied around her waist.

The Rainforest guide called out to her, “What are you doing up there?”

She replied that she was trying to hang herself.

“Lady!” replied the Tour Guide, “The only way you is going to do that is to put the rope around your neck!”

The, now exhausted, Blonde replied, “Yes I tried that, but I found it difficult to breathe!”

The next morning, having been rescued from her hanging ordeal and returned to her new lodgings in the quiet and beautiful village of Castara, the Blonde took a cab to Crown Point to collect a Hire Car and do some shopping.

She bought the Tobago News as she felt like a nice relaxing read that afternoon on the beach ... well ... at least she could look at the pictures!

As she returned to Castara in the car she got caught in a queue at the crossroads on Mount Irvine Golf Course, just near Buccoo.

As she waited in the queue she noticed the headline on the front page of the Tobago News … ‘Mystery Blonde leaves trail of Havoc in Tobago’ … she became so ensconced in the article that she let her foot relax from the brake pedal and the car rolled into the car in front of her in the queue.

There was no damage done to the other car, but there was a small dent in the Hire Car she had just collected.

She drove the rest of the way back to Castara and arrived at her guesthouse in floods of tears and totally distraught about the newspaper articles and the damage she had cause to her car.

The guesthouse owner who had spent the morning reading the newspaper and was known for his sense of humour suggested (quite cruelly) to the Blonde that maybe the dent could be sorted if she blew into the tail pipe … “If you blow hard enough … the dent may pop out!” he said.

The Blonde thought this was a really good idea and she set to work straight away.

About an hour later, a Blonde Gentleman (also on his holidays) walked by and stopped when he saw the Blonde blowing vigorously into the tail pipe of the Hire car.

“What on earth do you think you are doing my dear?” he asked.

The Blonde explained that if she could blow hard enough then she should be able to get the dent in the Car to pop out and then it would look as good as new.

“Oh you are silly”, he said … “I think it would be much easier if you roll up the Car Door Windows first … !!”

Regards

Jane H · Post by **Jane H** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 8:43 am

Thanks Sharon! you've really started my day with a chuckle!

These are supposedly genuine(?) flight attendents announcements (which were obviously made on flights to or from Tobago - to keep the theme going):-

A flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Another flight Attendant after a particularly bumpy flight:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside"

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Ray Vanner · Post by **Ray Vanner** » Sun Jan 15, 2006 8:56 pm

Haven't seen a blond joke for a couple of weeks so..................

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says:
"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being?
It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential...because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

And dare I do an Essex girl joke? Oh alright then...........

What is the difference between an Essex girl and a mosquito..
A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it on the head.......

Paul Tallet · Post by **Paul Tallet** » Sun Jan 15, 2006 11:02 pm

Did you hear about the blonde mosquito?

Answer will be issued tomorrow between 0800 and 0900 ... think about it !!

Regards

Paul Tallet · Post by **Paul Tallet** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 5:23 pm

Sorry to keep everyone waiting ...

The Blonde Mosquito ... it caught malaria !

Regards

Paul Tallet · Post by **Paul Tallet** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 5:35 pm

I believe that I should warn anyone residing or holidaying in Tobago of any approaches from a Blonde Entrepeneur, based in Essex, that has become excited about a niche market he has just discovered.

The Blonde Entrepeneur is apparently seeking private investors to help establish a new business to exploit this niche market which involves the importation, marketing and installation of new Central Heating Systems for residential and commercial premises in Tobago.

Thinks he has hit the jackpot !!

Regards

NB ... Copyright this one Steve ... it's an original

Kirsty U · Post by **Kirsty U** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 4:38 pm

All very good!

Although I have to say having just returned from Tobago... My cousin reckons I was the best person to have around... Being tall, blonde and not unattractive.... not once did we have to wait to be served our copious amounts of rum punches!

So it does have it's advantages!!!

Excellent jokes though! Keep them up!!

As Dolly Parton said when questioned about being a Dumb Blonde!

"Oh that don't bother me none! For one I know I ain't dumb! And two... I know I ain't blonde!!!!"

Good old Dolly!!!!!!

Jill M · Post by **Jill M** » Fri Mar 24, 2006 6:26 pm

Just continuing the theme here. I've just received this from a friend :-

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The
blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him
in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He
studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then..." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted
Flakes back in the box..."

David Watkins · Post by **David Watkins** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 11:11 am

Ouch!!!!!!

David Watkins · Post by **David Watkins** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 8:33 am

So,she was driving very fast and chaotically along the Claude-Noel highway,when a police car pulled up alongside.To the policeman's amazement she was sitting behind the wheel knitting.He wound down his window and shouted"Pullover","No" she said"Scarf"!!!!!

Paul Tallet · Post by **Paul Tallet** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 10:00 am

... "Darn it" cursed the policeman.

Regards

Post by **Steve Wooler** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 10:06 am

...you crochety old men have sew lost it.

Paul Tallet · Post by **Paul Tallet** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 10:14 am

I was stitching myself !!

Post by **Steve Wooler** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 10:15 am

Yes, so I heard...

Paul Tallet · Post by **Paul Tallet** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 10:38 am

I was in stitches !!

David Watkins · Post by **David Watkins** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 1:53 pm

Paul one--plain one..?

Paul Tallet · Post by **Paul Tallet** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 11:29 pm

David

I will be darned if I know what you are talking about.

Is this a bit of needle or are you trying to stitch me up.

All seems a bit woolley to me.

Have I exhausted all the possible threads on this one?

Regards

Neil C · Post by **Neil C** » Sun Oct 01, 2006 10:50 am

A hem Paul seams the policemans "pullover" has now been fully unravelled, so time to cast off
Cheers Neil C